How to live a happy and regret-free life

My prejudice against the elderly died out 4 years ago, when a woman in her 80s came to me seeking pastoral care.

She has been widowed for several years, but her grief does not come from the loss of her husband. Instead, it was because she fell in love with a married man who couldn’t return her feelings.

When she shared her story with me over some tea and a box of Kleenex, I was bewildered to realize that people over 80 still experience the “butterfly” type of love.

One of the wonderful and strange features of my work as a minister is that I am able to be a confidant and mentor to people at all stages of life, although I am weakly in contact with people twice – even three times my age.

I became minister in 2015 thinking that I, a Korean-American woman in my 30s, would not be able to connect with a completely different generation of people of different ethnicities. But my interactions with the widow and some other people made me understand how wrong I was.

Until recently, I often associated deep desires and noble ambitions with the energy and ideals of youth. I suppose as we age, we become more stoic and sage-like – or maybe even quite the opposite: Disillusioned with life and lack of vitality.

The nucleus of my new insight has made me curious about the inner lives of elderly people. I need to know: What is life like for 90-year-olds? Do they still have the ambition to learn a trade? Do they still crave love, sex, and intimacy? What are their biggest fears, hopes, and thoughts about the aging process? What do they regret most in life?

I should note that I am not a researcher, sociologist or psychologist, but I am determined to find the answer. With pen and paper in hand, I met and interviewed the oldest people I know, including several congregations and their friends—all between the ages of 90 and 99.

I start each conversation by asking if they have any regrets. Their answers were filled with self-blame and deep sadness.

All expressed the same sentiment: “If only I had done this differently”. “If I could have seen this coming, I would probably have done something else to prevent this.”

I was extremely curious to learn that their biggest regrets had little to do with their careers, missed opportunities, or things they didn’t achieve. Rather, their pain comes from the failures of their relationships.

1. They regret not having cultivated closer relationships with their children.
2. They regret not having set their children on the right path in life.
3. They regret not taking risks to be more loving, such as being more open about their feelings with new people or being more affectionate with people already in their lives.
4. They regret not being a better listener; they wish they were more empathetic and caring.
5. They regret not spending enough time with the people they love.

Then I changed the mood by asking them about their happiest memories. Every person I spoke to talked about a time when the couple was still alive or their children were young and living at home.

I found this surprising, as their answers seemed to contradict the “U-Bend of Life” theory, which states that our happiness typically dips in our 30s and bottoms out. in the mid-40s. Then, at the age of 50, it increased again and continued to increase many years later.

But the people I interviewed say they’re happiest in their late 20s to mid-40s, when they’re raising kids and trying to figure out who they are – the exact stage of life. my life right now.

As a young working mother, I often fantasize about the pleasures of retirement. But the conversations have led me to consider the possibility that one day I can look back on the busy times of potty training, full-time work, and little self-care as a fulfilling time. most in life.

The lesson, it appears, is now It’s a time for passion, overgrowth, love, curiosity, and discovery.

That sounds unrealistic at first; Parenting is tough, marriage can be emotionally taxing, work is frenetic, and “leisure time” is very limited. But if we disregard these fleeting moments, we will later regret it.

According to my 90 interviewees, the secret to a happy and regret-free life is to enjoy every second you spend with the people you love.

In other words, when I asked a man if he wanted to accomplish more, he replied, “No, I wish I had loved more.”

Today, when I find myself reverting to my default paradigm of idealizing the past or the future, I ask myself, What and who will I miss the most during this period, after all is over? Then, suddenly, the chaos of my life turned into a magical adventure filled with love and abundance.

However, given my profound curiosity about the lives of the elderly, I must confess that the real driving force behind my research was my extreme fear of getting older. I want to look back to the future and see what my life will be like in a few decades. ProbablyI thought, this knowledge will ease my anxiety.

And it did. My previous stereotypes about aging turned out to be completely wrong. Despite their deepest regrets, the elders I met laugh like crazy, love madly, and fiercely pursue happiness.

Turns out, aging isn’t so bad after all.

Lydia Sohn is a writer and minister at United Methodist Church of St. Mark. Her specialty is contemplative spirituality, progressive theology and help people live in harmony with who they really are. She graduated from Yale University’s Divinity School and currently lives in San Diego, California.

Liked this story? Subscribe to CNBC Make It on YouTube!

Do not miss: